No need to panic.

Okay, okay...I'm already feeling better. Phew! Yesterday was that moment where the swirling darkness stops and though you're still IN the tunnel, you can actually see the light at the end of it. Yesterday after Rob and Claudia left I felt like I finally got some of my bearings, and my independence. I went to the grocery store and bought my own food, I bought my own hair dryer and 'rang' on a few different living arrangements a bit closer into town. This independence and the chance to make the experience a little bit more gritty started to make me relax. After all, I sort of expected this trip to be gritty, and I think Caitlin was right when we talked about it and she explained that they are nesting here at the house, and maybe we'd like to live closer to town where the "action" is.

You see, I was nesting before I left for New Zealand. And I love nesting. But its really hard to nest here and be in a nesting environment as I only have about 5% of my closet, none of my own things and really what's an adventure when it feels a little like home. I'm actually reading David Elliot Cohen's, One Year Off right now and I'm fascinated by his ability to put into words the exact feelings I've had and will continue to process. The book is the story of how he and his wife, with three kids under the age of nine, decided to sell the house, the cars, and the belongings and take off for a year-long journey around the world. Sounds a smidge familiar, though obviously not on such grand scale. What blows my mind from the first thirty five pages I've read is how sane they make such an insane idea sound. They've thought it through, they're aware of the consequences and their fears. But they're in search for something that doesn't come from monotony and security. And I know we all know people like this, and often times say to ourselves, "Well I could never do that. That's just not me" But they were a "normal" family living the American dream just like so many. Shit, I've had countless people say those words to ME = queen planner, home purchaser and self described ladder climber. Based on the incesant lists I make, its safe to say there's nothing about me that's super whimsical. It is possible, I think it just takes a little leap of faith, and our Crazy inside to come out. Anyway, here's a little snippet I found to be really refreshing.

Aside from my disease phobia, I also have to admit that being homeless and out of work - even by choice - is somewhat disorienting. Its odd to realize that from now on, wherever we happen to be on a given day is our home, and that there's no single safe haven to which we can return. It's also strange to suddenly relinquish all your structures and schedules - all the chores, routines, and rituals that define and organize your life. When you follow these routines, it's possible to live most of your life on autopilot. It's like driving to work without even thinking about the route. But when your routines are disrupted-especially this radically-you become very concious of your actions, your surroundings, and your relationships. Everything seems new and unsettled. But again, that's one of the goals of our trip-to disrupt our usual patterns so thoroughly that we'll be receptive to new options and possibilities. To do that fully, we have to let this transformation from conventional to nomadic life take place on its own terms. We have to observe the changes and be conscious of them, but can't limit the outcome or cling to old routines and old ways of thinking.

More on that later. I'll try and not make this post his entire book. I find it slightly telling though that in the midst of reading another book, I happened to abandon it and pick up this one yesterday. His sentiments and feelings are so dead on, and so what I needed to digest during this time.

Heading out today to try and find me a job and a source of all that green stuff. Wish me luck!