Monday, November 16, 2009

temporary mental.

I must be clenching my jaw when I sleep these days, because my teeth hurt.

I attended a birthday party on Saturday night honoring my new-ish friend, Erin. Realizing I wouldn't know many, if any at all, of her friends, I'd preemptively decided I'd only pop in for a quick drink and well wishes. But as the bowling portion of the party started to wrap up, and people were making plans to navigate to the next destination of celebration, I found myself strangely curious and excited to see how the evening would play out. I happily headed over to Amanda's house (Amanda being a gal I knew really nothing about except that she's a med student interviewing for residence here in Seattle) and I plopped down into a seat that happened to be next to a couple from MN! She was a grad student and he was starting law school in the fall. We bantered about Minneapolis vs. St. Paul and gushed about our common love for the great state of MN. I also spoke to some other gals who were both in a graduate program at UW, a nice guy who had just finished a post-graduate program and on and on and on, only to return home at midnight, surprisingly, much later than the 8:30pm I'd planned/anticipated.

Despite spending a lovely evening with some really great people, I somehow managed to come home with a teeny feeling of despair that I was either too tired to identify or that hadn't fully taken over my brain before I went to bed. But when I awoke on Sunday there it was. Smacking me clear in the face was that horrible, much over-thought feeling we all know and love, "What the hell am I doing with my life? Where the hell is my life going, anyway?" And I think after being surrounded by so many people advancing themselves academically with their grad schools, law schools and med answer was something like, "Hm, let's just see. Well you know, I'm quitting everything and heading out to go work in a coffee shop for a few months and 'see what happens.'"

I realize the scenario to which I'm about to embark on can also be described using completely different language to say that in fact I'm quitting everything to move to New Zealand and head out on the adventure of a lifetime, one that I'll probably never, ever regret. But somehow, Saturday night and Sunday I wasn't feeling that way. Why is that we can be so capable of torturing ourselves?

Anyway, then cut to me sitting at the Wing Dome eating terrible food and drinking cheap beer on Sunday afternoon. With all due respect to those who love the Wing Dome, it was not really an accurate first impression due to the mental "crisis" I was having, nor was it my numero uno choice to spend a Sunday tetering on the edge of a meltdown. In fact, it was aiding in my mounting anxiety and already growing list of things I needed to get done in order to leave on said journey of quitting everything. And I'm sure if I were to find myself in a Wing Dome today my impression would be much more forgiving and open-minded. Sunday was not that day.

But today is a new day. Today I feel excited. A bit overwhelmed still, but excited. And again, its strange the tortures our mind can put us through. Comparing ourselves to others and wistfully wondering how different situations can play out. Ladies and gentleman, the tickets are booked. I'm going. And dammit, I might just have an anxiety attack along the way but I'm boarding the plane and maybe, someday, I'll know where my life is headed. Today I know it is taking me to New Zealand.


chupacabra said...

Good for you. I wish I had been made a little more like you- you'll never regret this adventure. The only regret in my book could possibly be if you fail to follow your heart.

Meg said...

Hey girl! (PS, I love your blog btw) – yes, there will certainly be those moments of questioning yourself and where you're going, but the irony is that SO many people will be looking at your plans and saying "Why can't I do that?" and realizing that their life may be too planned and laid out - and wishing for some spontaneity to their daily routines. There's always a balance in life, but one thing I can guarantee - you will NEVER regret heading off to New Zealand! There are world experiences out there just waiting for you to eat up and live up...cheers to you for factoring the risks but valuing the experience more than those risks. Truthfully, I’ll admit I’m one of those a bit jealous of your upcoming adventure (of course in a heartfelt/loving way!) Love you girl!!!! Cheers to you!!!! – Megs :]